|
2000-07-06 - 8:44pm I was thinking....yes I was thinking.....maybe I should be nore expressive in this diary. It just seems to make more sense. I really don't know why. Also, it does not hurt to try. So, I will try it. You know what I have to stop doing....thinking about my ex boyfriend/best friend. First of all, he is not the same person he use to be. Second, he LIED TO ME!! This is what happened.....one saturday I called him and was like let's do something. He goes I am too tired. I replied back with...."Too tired? Keith, I come home every weekend and get sleep, but get no sleep during the week. So, don't give me crap about being tired." He was like ok. Then I somehow we got on the topic about his senior prom. Orginially, I was going with him. Then his friend commited suicide and he no longer decided to go. That was the first lie.....then he said he was going. I was like ok....he then goes you can go, but it costs 110 dollars for the limo. I started to cry and say " I don't have money to pay for it. Look....I payed for you to go to my prom....you should pay for me." Then he goes, "Nevermind, another girl said yes and I am going with her." I was like what the crap! All I could respond with was crying and saying "YOU LIED TO ME!! YOU LIED!! HOW COULD YOU?!?!?" He said back was "I don't know.....I got go." Then he hung up. I was like what the fuck?!?! That is a phone call and night I will never forget. I did not get any sleep that night. Instead I took anything down off my walls that reminded me of him. That included pictures of BSB and of him. I even took his teddy bear he gave me for Valentine's Day this year and through it across the room. I cried the whole night and at that time swore not till listen to BSB/Nsync/Aerosmith or any music that reminded me of him. It was too painful! Everytime I heard a BSB song or a song that reminded me of us as friends and more on the radio....I changed the station or turned the radio off! Though now I am better and have listened to some of the music again. I even had dreams about good times of me and him. See....I have known him since I was a sophmore in high school and he was a frosh. We meet each other not knowing that we have been going to school together since elementary school, but a grade apart. Even though he was suppose to be in my grade. As time when on....we got closer and closer. It was like my other half. I could tell him anything and sometimes I told him stuff I did not tell anyone else. When I was with him, all my problems were gone. Then my senior year of high school came along. It was a great year, but I knew at the end I had to leave him. March of my senior year my dream came true! I got a boyfriend...a great one....my best friend Keith. Also, the relationship was incrediable! At that time he was the best thing in my life! I love him as a friend and more! It was so perfect, but then he dumps me on Graduation Day. That hurt, but I did not feel the pain of it till I was on the senior boat trip. I was like....what the fuck just happened? Did I lose my best friend? Holy shit! Then we started to go out again this year, but that ended after a friend of ours commited sucide. That was when he developed an adittude. He is mean one minute, but nice the next. Also, ever see the video for "Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely"? Well...in one part of the video a girl is standing in front of a guy. She is looking at him and shaking him at the same time. I saw that and was like that is scary and weird. Then I later had a dream just like it. The girl was me and Keith was the guy. I was shaking him and saying "I love you so much! You promised me!! I WANT MY BEST FRIEND BACK!!" Everyone tells me to forget about Keith. I say " He was my best friend, I love him. There is a side of him you have never seen. When he was romantic it was incrediable. It felt like time had stopped just for me and him. Yes, I know I need to move on. It is Hard....I lost my best friend and I guy that was amazing!!!" I have this gut feeling he still loves me, but just does not know what love is anymore. This whole situation upset me for a while until now. I was like life goes on, but I will never forget him. He was my first real kiss and love! Just one thing I have to do....not tell him I wrote this. Actually, I should let him see. Then he will know how I feel, right? I still talk to him, but not a lot. It is weird talking to him since I know he is not the same. Sometimes I have to be carefull,because he gets pissed off easy. GTG!! Luv ya, Abby P.S. Keith if you read this.....this is how I feel. Trust me!!! It is all here!!! I love you as friend now and forever. I will never forget you....there will always be a piece of you in my heart. � � |